03/13/12

The KGB, the exploding purse & The Hotel Viru, Tallinn.

Absolute top of the list of things to do in Tallinn is the KGB Museum at the Hotel Viru. Our guide, Jana, was vivacious, animated and bursting with amusing stories about The Hotel Viru and its history.

It was built in 1972, to bring much needed tourist revenue into Estonia. It’s bright and cheerful inside now but originally the decor was dark and gloomy, even a bit scary, with that typically Soviet, austere-but-trying-to-be-grand look about it.

Finland had a job shortage at the time and the Soviets wanted some of their oil so they did a deal and Finnish workers built the hotel which is why it took two years to build, instead of 7 or 8.

There was a three week gap between hotel completion and opening. Very handy. Gave the KGB time to get in there and install their radio equipment and bugging devices on the 23rd floor – the floor that didn’t officially exist. Although every so often, somebody would helpfully write next to the buttons in the lift, ’23rd floor – KGB’ and a cleaner would be sent to scrub it off, pronto.

The public lift stopped at the 22nd floor then a secret stairway went to the non-existent 23rd floor where there was a sign on the door saying ‘Nothing in here.’ One employee did wander into the surveillance room by mistake and found himself looking at the business end of a gun. ‘Oh hi guys, what are you listening to? Anything good?’ probably wouldn’t have been what he said to the men with the head phones.

KGB office and telephones. The red one didn’t need a dial. It went straight through to Moscow.

Continue reading →

03/8/12

Cockroach-fest.

Years ago, I lived in a block of flats in South London. Well heated, they were, with loads of rubbish left all over the place.

The cockroaches simply adored it and once word got round, they arrived in swarms. I swear the Cockroach Kingdom had their own Ideal Home Exhibition with a special display stand for those flats:
Strut your funky stuff at the South London Party Palace. A Disco every Night.

So they did.

It became second nature to tip shoes upside down before putting them on, inspect anything before picking it up and to kick the little critters off work surfaces, chairs and dinner plates. Once, in mid conversation, I absentmindedly stood up, brushed one off my friend’s shoulder and then sat down again and carried on chatting as if nothing had happened. Continue reading →

02/27/12

Patarei Prison – Tallin, Estonia

Our guide was Rasmus. He was genial and bearded which meant H and I drew on our bet. I said he would definitely have a beard (Rasmus sounding like a friendly, beardy sort of name) but he’d be in his 60s. H said no beard and in his 30s or 40s.

But that’s by the by. He took us round the desolate and snowy prison, chucked loads of information at us and even locked H in a cupboard.
Great. Saved me having to do it. (Aw, just joking.)

Patarei Prison was originally a fortress and has also been an army barracks. It became a prison in 1920. This is only a very small part of the huge prison complex.

And here, looking less like a magnificent fortress than a crumbling vestige of the Soviet regime although it was a fully functioning prison until 2003 or thereabouts. Continue reading →

02/25/12

Tallinn Old Town – The Fairy Tale

A fairy tale, yes.

Tallinn Old Town in the snow was magical. Like wandering round a child’s pop-up story book.

So much so, that after a day or two, I kept wanting to stop people in the street and say, ‘excuse me, but can you tell me where I can find the real Tallinn?’

I didn’t of course.

And it’s not all Sugar Plum Fairy. There’ll be some more realistic stuff on here soon but for now, I’m doing pretty not gritty.

So voila! Here’s Tallinn Old Town. Let’s do the roof tops first. The place is full of them. Well so is any town but you can’t miss these, they’re all over the place in all their gingerbread glory.

I took these from the top of Kiek in de Kok. Kiek in de kok is a simply ginormous fortress built in the 15th century. It means ‘peep in the kitchen’ which is exactly what soldiers used do from that height. Well you can’t blame them, can you? It’d be rude not to.

Alexander Nevsky Cathedral. Continue reading →

02/11/12

Plannin’ for Tallin

I am twitching with excitement.

The suitcase I’ve scrounged from my mum is going to be stuffed full of vests, socks, leggings, gloves, hats and anything else that is furry and thick. I am excluding next door’s dog. He is furry. He is also thick. But I’m not taking him on holiday because his breath smells.

Anyway, back to Tallin. It seems nobody has a bad word to say about the place. Visitors love it. They wax lyrical about the beauty of the Old Town, the thick snow and pretty teraccotta roof tops Continue reading →

02/2/12

“Good Morning Ma’am, Please switch on your computer”

This morning I got one of those scam phone calls. Bad connection. Overseas voice:

‘Good morning Ma’am, I’m phoning you from the official Windows Microsoft company. We are very concerned about problems you might be having with your Windows computer. You may have viruses and malware in your system so I will help you sort it out. Please, Ma’am, will you switch your computer on?’

Time for some fun.

Me: Malware, you say? What’s malware?
Mr Windows: Ma’am, malware is like a spy in your computer.
Me: Spies? (slight shriek) Spies in my computer? You’re telling me there’s a spy inside my computer? How did it get there?
Mr Windows: (giggling) No, Ma’am, not spies, just… Continue reading →

02/1/12

Finding a hostel in Tallinn

There seems to be no shortage of beautiful hostels and cheap hotels in Tallinn. Atmospheric buildings with polished wooden floors and eccentric furniture or ultra modern clean lines with tasteful furnishings. Loads to choose from.

Then I read some of the reviews. Mostly positive but a few along these lines:

‘The rooms had a funny smell’
‘We couldn’t sleep for the noise of the nightclub next door’
The staff were vacuuming outside our door at 2 o clock in the morning’
We nearly froze to death – there were icicles hanging off the bed’
‘The manager had an ice pick in his pocket and an insane gleam in his eye’. Continue reading →

01/20/12

Hey, Let’s go to Tallinn!

I hadn’t been meaning to go there.

But then I read about espionage and the Cold War in Estonia, burrowed in my bed at 6 o clock in the morning, in my leopard print, egg-stained dressing gown, while a gale blew a tune on the loose guttering outside.

The pretty pictures of gingerbread buildings and onion towers, the moody snaps of dark alleyways and disused KGB equipment were irresistable. I recalled my travels in Poland and East Berlin, many years ago, before the collapse of Communism Continue reading →

01/8/12

Pendle Hill – Training for Vesuvius. Sort of.

I’m saving up the airmiles and planning a summer tour of Italy’s volcanoes.

I asked my son if he wanted to come but he said, ‘you must be joking. Volcanoes are dangerous. I might get hurt,’ then went back to shooting zombies on a screen splattered with virtual zombie blood.

Now as everybody knows, volcanoes are made out of mountains (and with a bit of luck, fire), so I’ve got to get fit. Gym. Healthy eating. A complete fitness regime. Or in my case, Scrapheap Challenge.

My friend Sam thinks it’s hilarious. ‘You’ll never get that arse up Vesuvius,’ he said. Then he made me go up Pendle Hill. It’s a bit of a climb – only 55m short of being a mountain. I was huffing and wheezing like a Shetland pony with a heart problem, while gangs of octagenarians in kagoules and bobble hats said ”scuse me,’ as they skipped past with picnic hampers, fold-up tables and small dogs on leads.

But we persevered. Sometimes he dragged me, sometimes he pushed from behind and finally we reached the top where a large wet cloud was waiting for us.

I wish I could say the view was spectacular but there was nothing up there. Just stones and sheep and the ghostly shapes of picnic tables and dogs frollicking as the bobble-hatted people ate their sandwiches.

It was worth it though, even if it did take 3 days to recover. In the meantime I’m writing to the Italian government to ask if they’d be good enough to install special ski lifts on both Vesuvius and Etna with my name on them.

01/7/12

Travel Writing Cliches to Avoid.

Travel writing is riddled with cliches. They make your writing predictable and unmemorable. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

The best way to be familiar with those cliches is to read a lot. If you’ve got your brain switched on, the cliches start popping out at you after a while.

Here’s a glossary to the most popular (oh, and I promise never to use any of them).

Steeped in history. A town or city where loads of things happened once. People were separated from their heads in the town square, invading armies heaved themselves uphill towards the castle (now open for guided tours) and pustule-riddled plague victims were wheeled off on a cart. We’ve loads of places like this in the UK.