This morning I got one of those scam phone calls. Bad connection. Overseas voice:
‘Good morning Ma’am, I’m phoning you from the official Windows Microsoft company. We are very concerned about problems you might be having with your Windows computer. You may have viruses and malware in your system so I will help you sort it out. Please, Ma’am, will you switch your computer on?’
Time for some fun.
Me: Malware, you say? What’s malware?
Mr Windows: Ma’am, malware is like a spy in your computer.
Me: Spies? (slight shriek) Spies in my computer? You’re telling me there’s a spy inside my computer? How did it get there?
Mr Windows: (giggling) No, Ma’am, not spies, just…
Me: But you said there was a spy. Is it the government?
Mr Windows: No, not the government Ma’am. Just bad things. Bad things in your computer like viruses. You may have viruses or infections.
Me: Oh no, I don’t have any viruses, the doctor gave me the all-clear yesterday.
Mr Windows: (giggling even more) No, Ma’am, your computer may have viruses and infections. I’m phoning you so that we can resolve these issues.(Pulls himself together and sounds brisk) Please Ma’am, switch your computer on.
Me: How do I do that?
Mr Windows: There is a switch, Ma’am. Just switch it on please.
Me: Oh, I think I’ve found the switch. (I give him a quick, very loud blast of hard rock music.) Oh no, that was the radio, sorry.
Mr Windows: The radio? No Ma’am, switch on your computer.
Me: Ok, I’ll try again. Sorry.(Switch hairdryer on next to phone) Oh no, that’s the hairdryer. Sorry, I’m looking for the computer. What does it look like?
Mr Windows: What does the computer look like? (Incredulous gasp).
Me: Well I don’t use it very often, you see.
Mr Windows: (clears throat) Well Ma’am, it has a screen on the front.
Me: Oh, a screen. Ok. (I hold it to the television, turn it on very loud) Oh! Oh no, sorry that’s the television.
Mr Windows: No, no, not the television. Er ..your computer should have a cabinet.
Me: Oh, why didn’t you say? A cabinet. There’s one in my bedroom. I’m standing in front of it now. It’s full of clothes.
Mr Windows: Nooo! Ma’am ….
Me: Oh, wait, I’ve got it. Found the computer. (Hold the phone in washbasin. Turn the taps on) Oh no, sorry that’s the taps.
Mr Windows: The taps?
Me: Yes. Taps. You know, water. Sorry. Hang on. Aha! Got it! (Very triumphantly) Wait, wait, (turn hairdryer on full power next to phone) Oh no, sorry that’s the hairdryer again.
Mr Windows: Hairdryer again? No, Ma’am, I want you to turn on the computer.
Me: Sorry, it’s just that I don’t really know which is the computer. It’s very very large you see.
Mr Windows: Large? Like a super computer, you mean?
Me: Yes. It’s super. Really super. Only it’s not mine, it’s my sister’s.
Mr Windows: (giggling his head off again) Sorry Ma’am, I’m going to pass you over to my supervisor now.
Me: Ok then.
I hang up.
Well, that’s ten minutes of his time wasted. Ten minutes on the scammers’ phone bill. And ten minutes of potential scam time, talking to someone else. It gave me a giggle too.
